If I were the sail boat,this picture would say it all for me today!
Ugh. Ever just want to take a break from it all and lie in bed all day and finish reading your book or watch TV ALL day and of course, just eat whatever food you want to your heart's content? Right now I just want to stop doing everything and go hide somewhere and not worry about how fat I will be come tomorrow morning because of all the retarded things I just put in my body. Ugh. Heh, if you can't tell yet, today was definitely a bad day for me to say the least. I guess this is my first blog-recorded all-out binge. When I say all-out I mean I basically ate enough food in one night and one day to probably undo the 2 pounds I worked so hard to loose for the past 2 weeks. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself.
There are 3 main things that trigger over-eating tendencies in me, at least these three are what immediately come to mind, I'm sure there are far more and i'm sure they're all complex in some twisted psychological way, but anyway they are, 1) boredom, 2) lust after food I know to be bad for me and 3) social nervousness.I'd say this binge was triggered by social nervousness. When I'm with people I tend to eat much less if we go out together. I think it's cuz I am paranoid about feeling full. I tend to associate the feeling of fullness with the fear of being fat - as in, if I don't feel hungry, I must have overeaten...Why, oh why, does the happy medium of contentment continue to elude me?!
So last night, I ate way too little for dinner when I was out with my old friend from the states and then when I got home and away from her and all my nervousness, I couldn't help but nervously and self-sabotage-idly (uhuh...it's totally a word...I swear) eat practically everything in sight. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? How do I stop doing this?! What I hate is that I feel that I know the answers already. Obviously all I have to do to loose weight is keep my stinking mouth shut. heh. how simple is that. just keep it shut and no food can physically go in. I wish I could keep my mind shut sometimes. I swear I lust after food....yeah, that's right, I wrote "lust after food!" Heh, is that even a real condition? Ugh, I wish I could stop. How to Enjoy Food But Not Become Enslaved By It, By Jenny Taylor...heh, the title of my new best seller....Wow, I'm suddenly super duper tired. I totally wasted this Sunday by going to bed at 3:30 a.m. Saturday night...
Alright...I'm not going to let this past 24 hours get me down. I'm going to move on. I'm going to stick with my plan and just move on. I don't know what else to do. I know the definition of "crazy" is continuing to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But the thing is I know this is a good plan...I just need to learn how to stay more motivated over the stinking weekends...I need to learn how to eat in social settings and not feel insecure about the amount I am eating so that I actually do get enough food and don't completely overeat later on from pure starvation! alright, i'm done ranting. Tomorrow is Monday-Weigh-In-Day....heh...yeah...
Good morning Jenny, we all have down days and sometimes I think my down days outnumber my up days 6:1. I understand your fears about eating out, wow sounds like you could have written this for me. Emotional eating, bingeing, whatever you want to call it is hard to get under control. Let today be a better day and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOh Jenny, I'm sorry you had such a bad day. And you don't sound crazy at all. What you say makes total sense and probably is what a lot of people go through! Give yourself credit though, you must keep it some what in check, or you'd be as big as me!!! LOL :)
ReplyDeleteWeekends are also much harder for me then the weekdays.
HOW TO ENJOY FOOD BUT NOT BECOME ENSLLAVED BY IT must be the best title for a book I have ever heard!!! That would help people like me that are severely over weight as well as people who might have a fear of food, and really anyone with ANY kind of weight issues!
May I ask what you do for a living?? You should be a writer!
I, along with every blog I've read have had bad days. I'm glad you posted even when having one... I think my blog has helped me get over mine instead of just giving up!
I always say: whats most important is what you do AFTER the bad day. So have a great one!
Tessa!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Really, thank you very much. That is very inspiring. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has bad days but what you said totally put it in perspective for me - "let today be a better day." WOW. Every day is new, and every day I have the chance to make it a good one. Very profound.
Tina, you are seriously so kind and encouraging - I wish we were neighbors or something! :) And thanks so much for the compliment about being a good writer. heh. If only my old high school AP English teacher had felt the same way, the old bat! no just kidding. She was super cool, albeit mean. ;)
ReplyDeleteBut I'm currently and very recently (only two weeks, now!) in the Philippines working with an NGO that focuses on reaching out to the poor. The change of country made me want to change a few other things with my life - my weight being one of them, hence this blog!!
But anyway, thanks so so much for your support! I really was feeling down last night about my retardedness, but what you wrote really helped. :)
Jenny you are so sweet to say that! I'm so glad you feel that way, it's nice to be of help to someone! I am really glad I started "blogging" so we can be like Virtual Neighbors LOL :)
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate your comments very much. When I started, I really though I would just be writing to myself, but it is so much more encouraging to know someone is actually reading it and I kind of have some one to "answer to" when I mess up LOL. So thank you!!! (and Tessa also :) )