Yes...it's a rant...

Alright well today (Wednesday) went super good until I went home earlier to make dinner for the rest of the girls. Since there are five of us girls staying in one place, we rotate dinners, each of us getting one day a week where we make dinner and mine was tonight. I made this fish filet thing that i crusted with crushed almonds to make it nice and crunchy but instead of frying it, I baked it in the oven till it was golden brown and the almonds were really toasted and delicious smelling. It was super good if I do say so myself, the outer layer of crushed almonds was all crispy and the inner layer of fish was totally moist and yummy. The problem happened when Mary and all the rest didn't come home until 8!!! I had finished making dinner by 5:45 and the whole house smelled soo freaking good. Needless to say I was starving!! But instead of eating some of the meal that I had prepared, I dug through the fridge for some left overs at around 7 and ate about 3 oz of that left-over mayonnaise cheddar cheese chicken from two nights before.

That seemed to just spark my appetite though - exactly opposite of what I wanted it to do -- and made me even more hungry! I then finally gave in and ate about 4 oz of the fish filet that I made around 7:45 because it was so freaking late and I thought oh well, i might as well enjoy the dish that I made for tonight. Then they got home and I couldn't resist eating with the rest of them because it's so much more fun to eat with people, so I had about another 2 oz of fish fillet, a bag of light popcorn (240 calories) and then 4 chocolate no-bake cookies for desert which I'm not meant to eat!! Yipers. My stomach hurts from all that food. I'm not going to lie and say the no-bakes didn't taste good, darn you mary! but ugh. I don't like feeling super full, either. I think I'm going to have to eat my pride - heh, little play on subjects for you - and humble myself enough to ask one of the girls to help me stay accountable. I feel that if I have someone with whom I have to look in the face and state all that I've eaten in one day that I will really feel the necessary embarrassment which will work as a catalyst to keep me from over eating. Shame me into submission! I really have no excuse to eat so much. It's starting to really get to me. I apparently have a very bad track record so far. I hate being a loser. Not cool.

I hate being on the border of skinny. It stinks. It's a horrible shadowy place to be. I am SO close to looking the way I want to look. Literally, only in reality, like 3-4 weeks away from being happy with my body. If I lost just 8 pounds (2 pounds a week making that 4 weeks) I know I would be happy, I was happy with my body one week ago before vacation, when I had stuck with my diet for only two consecutive weeks. It's like, I'm so close to being happy - 4 short weeks - and yet it's taken me an entire year to try and get those four consecutive weeks! It's maddening, and it's very frustrating. Ugh. I sometimes wish I was 115 lbs over weight instead of just 15lbs. It seems like when you weight more you are still able to loose weight even if you have a bad day once a week. But with me, if i have even one bad day, my entire weight loss for that whole week is gone and sometimes I even gain weight from it - from one stinking day of bad decisions. Ugh. It's not fair. I have SO little to loose, but it just seems so hard to loose it....4 short weeks away and I can't seem to make it happen! So maddening! I think I'm going to have to try, as I intimated above, getting another physical human being involved in this. I'm going to ask Tami to be my mentor...She's super nice, has a great body and understands a lot about nutrition. But i'm going to hold off asking until after Easter. I wanted to be able to loose 4 pounds by then, but now it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I might shoot for three though. I think I could do that in 11 days. But knowing me, once I start to see even the slightest results, i get all proud and self-reliant and feel that I don't need anyone's help. Well, I do, and I want and know that I need someone else's help and accountability. I definitely would not have eaten those cookies tonight had I known I would have to then tell someone face to face that I did. I'm going to use my pride to my advantage! take that!